Dr. Upright, I met a girl at the Back to School Picnic the other day, and asked her on a date. She agreed, and now I’m terrified. As a freshman, I don’t know this area, and I have no idea where to take her. Any suggestions for some spots in Hays to take a beautiful girl?
Slow down, Incompetent Lover. There are plenty of places in this town to take a “beautiful girl” (that’s creepy, by the way). Personally, I enjoy a night at home rather than on the town. Really, all you need is a season of “JAG” on DVD and a nice bottle of perfectly cooled, flawlessly aged Surge soda pop. And nobody else in town has a cellar full of Surge, so take her to my house. Problem solved.
Dr. Upright, my parents really miss me. I had to go here because I received a full-ride scholarship, but they’re having trouble adjusting. I’m their only child, and they’re trying to convince me to come back and attend a community college. I’m quite torn. What should I do?
Well, Student with Complex Parent Issues that Go Much Deeper than You’re Letting On, this is a tricky situation. My mother is 114 years old, and she still wants me to move back to Uzbekistan. But I won’t do it. I’m a man who makes his own choices and lives his own life. I am an intelligent, driven, 29-year-old psychologist with a life that I must live on my own without parental interference from that old bag. I stole from her when I lived there. I don’t pay no man no mind. How about you be a man and tell your parents to stuff it? Unless you’re a female, and in that case, be a woman and tell your parents to stuff it. It’s worth noting that if you’re financially tied to your parents, you should disregard what I just said.
Dr. Upright, I feel like my mother doesn’t trust me now that I’m away at college. She constantly texts and calls me, wondering where I’m at and what I’m doing. I know I’m her only daughter, but I can’t stand it. Still, I don’t know how to tell her. How do I go about discussing this with her?
Disrespectful Young Lady, why don’t you show something other than contempt for your mother? The woman raised you from stinky, insufferable baby to stinky, insufferable adult. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s kids showing disrespect for their mothers. She only wants what’s best for you. She wants you to be safe. Be nice.