Dr. Upright, this is my second year at Fort Hays, and I think I’m ready to take on more responsibilities and get involved with campus life. I’m pretty shy and introverted, so it’s really hard for me to get out there and meet people. Do you have any suggestions?
Well, Ms. I’ll Never Have a Friend My Whole Life, what do you expect? When you decide to have an introverted personality, you’re not going to make connections with people who matter. And you’re certainly not going to get involved. If you can’t get involved, you’ll never be important, and if you’re not important, no one will ever care about you. How do you think your parents feel about putting this bundle of potential into the world who decides to be completely irresponsible by being an introvert? You must bring them great shame. What if they wanted you to be the President of the United States? You’ll never live up to their expectations, so why don’t you just give it up already? Go back to your, isolated – probably disgusting – dorm room, play your game – ALONE – and write a letter to your parents, apologizing for being the child they never hoped for.
Dr. Upright, this is really complicated, but I need some expert advice. Okay, so my boyfriend of 47 days and I were shopping at Dillons the other day for silverware for our new apartment. I started talking to him about when we get married and have kids. I said that our third daughter’s name should be Naytomee (after my old horse Nay-Nay and his great grandpa Thomas). I was just starting to ask him about what colors he wants for the wedding when I saw him glance sideways at another girl. I’m not sure, but based on the way he looked at her, I think he might want her in the wedding party. I’m afraid if we invite her, she might look prettier than me and take away from our special day. Do you think I should ask her to be a bridesmaid?