I went home over Labor Day Weekend and got to see my pup Scraps. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until now, and I really want to bring her back with me. Unfortunately, dogs aren’t allowed in the dorms. Any suggestions?
Poor, Unfortunate Soul, I have the perfect solution: pour gasoline all over yourself and light a match. That should rid of the disgusting fleas that certainly creep all over your now-soiled skin. Dogs (and for that matter, cats) are disgusting creatures that appear to be your friend when they are secretly plotting how to spread the Bubonic Plague. Haven’t you read the latest research on our canine “friends”? They are evil, nasty little brutes that want nothing more than for your skin to crawl with filth. Do yourself a favor and dump your sweet little Scraps at the local pound, where some lunatic will be certain to adopt it – and its putrid fleas. Feel better?
Dearest Dr. U.,
I’ve been reading your column, and I noticed that your responses seem a bit harsh. I’m afraid to ask you this question, but here it goes anyway. I am a smoker and have to go off campus for a cigarette. I don’t think that’s fair, but I don’t know who to contact.
Oi there, Scar Lungs! Alas, a great question. Do not fear me, for my function here is to help you as best I can and to see your questions fulfilled in a tactful manner. I would not waste my breath (and let’s face it – you need all the breath you can save) tracking someone down who won’t listen to you. After all, the smoking ban was recently enforced, and no campus official is going to change the policy. Here’s what you do. Throw cigarettes all over campus. The trend will catch on. Stand directly under a No-Smoking sign, and blow your deadly smoke right into passersby’s faces. Move all the ash trays into the grassy areas on the quad. Do this, my short-lived friend, and people will listen. Trust me.