Students of Fort Hays State University,
I regret to inform you that I can no longer answer your burning questions about college life. Suffice to say, I have my work cut out for me in other areas of my life – mainly, finding a way into Venezuela without a valid I.D. or passport and with a lengthy criminal record.
I also ask that you do not try to find me. Don’t contact me or search for my whereabouts, children. It is not for your innocent eyes to behold.
Have you ever seen “The Incredible Hulk” with Edward Norton? It’ll be like that, except I won’t have as many outbursts of violence. I have, however, exposed myself to a substantial and possibly dangerous amount of gamma radiation over the last three-and-a-half days, so only time will tell if I turn green and get super jacked when my heart rate goes up.
Goodness.
I must say, though, I am looking forward to the adventure ahead. I plan a trek across the world once the CIA and a certain government official in Essen, Germany, cease their search for me. When the heat is off, I will finally live my life the way I’ve always wanted to.
Don’t get the wrong idea, my pretties. I’m not abandoning you because I grew tired of your awful and generally stupid questions. I just can’t work for the man anymore. I’m a free spirit, boys and girls. A free spirit with a fraudulent Ph.D. and $674,000 in blood money to my name.
Yes. I’m not a real doctor. Now you know. I realize I masked it well with my superior intellect and absolutely ingenious answers to your everyday problems, but there it is.
I didn’t go to the University of Harvard State University as my fake diploma states.
But don’t let that discredit the work I have done this past month.
While I walked across campus last week – that’s right; I go outside – I saw students putting my advice into action.
There was, strangely, much arguing, yelling, screaming and general unpleasantness.
I sparked a reaction, advisees. The revolution has begun, and I will leave you with one last bit of parting advice.
Sleep with your roommate’s girlfriend. You won’t regret it.
Sincerely,
Dr. Phineus Upright
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