Disclaimer: despite being labeled “Opinions,” the column you are about to read contains only strictly irrefutable fact.
Taco Bell is the most glorious creation in the history of all mankind. Don’t give me that bull about the Pieta or the stupid little space shuttle – just slide me over a hot and steamy five-layer burrito, you flawless godsend of a fast-food employee.
Like all human beings, I obviously require food to survive, and there is nothing more spectacular then biting into a cheap, entirely unhealthy piece of heaven. Unlike competing fast-food chains, Taco Bell’s food does not have a taste resembling that of month-old cheesecake.
In fact, Taco Bell happens to be the meal of the gods; ambrosia was simply a mistranslation for the original Greek word for “chalupa.”
One can easily realize this as truth as soon as he or she orders. From the first life-changing bite until you’re lying there wiping sauce off of your face and clutching your gut in agony, you’re in a state of perpetual joy. The phrase “better than sex” generally comes to mind whenever I tear into my personal favorite, the 99-cent chicken burrito.
Not only is the Bell better-tasting than anything that has been created to this day, it is also very reasonably priced. Any sized appetite can easily be satisfied for fewer than five dollars a visit, and let me assure you, that’s a fiver well spent. Granted McDonald’s and Burger King have their cute little dollar menus, but you definitely can sense the difference in overall quality and taste.
Taco Bell also has the greatest service of any other restaurant in the world. Just for example, if you unfortunately find yourself in filthy old Mickey D’s and tell the person behind the counter your order, you will receive a clumsily wrapped bag of garbage.
On the other hand, when you swagger into a bright and shiny, freshly scented Taco Bell, you feel like a man.
After being welcomed with respect and cheer, you are given a complementary shoe shine and manicure, perfect after a long hard day of being awesome.
The employees are actually handpicked from a select group made up of Mensa members and ex-James Bond impersonators. Rest assured, you will be greeted with intellect, respect and maybe a bit of suaveness.
After you receive your food and begin eating at the marble-inlayed booths, you find that what you have been rewarded with is an absolute masterpiece. You untie the silky string keeping the golden paper wrapper shut and find the most wonderful burrito you have ever seen.
All tortillas used are actually cut using a laser to ensure a uniform size and consistent perfection. The spices used in the sauces are actually brought back by wookies from the mines on planet Kessel and are all highly controlled substances.
Great care is also taken in preparing the meat. In the case of the chicken, it is harvested from the chickens hatched from the golden eggs in Willy Wonka’s factory. Because of the high-grade ingredients of their food, Taco Bell also requires every patron to sign a release form stating that they will always eat all of the food they purchase, and never treat the burritos with any form of disrespect.
So to all you big eaters out there, if you’re down for some classy, high-fashioned eats, let’s make it a lunch date.
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