I consider myself a bit of a Casanova. As a man who has had more than two girlfriends, I must admit that I am well-versed in knowing what women want. Clearly, the most important thing for a man to do to express his love for a woman is to let her know how much she means to him.
Cards, flowers and chocolate are a bit too mass-produced and trite for me. What the perfect man should really do is let his girlfriend know that he would literally die without her. He should make this evident through vague, veiled threats to take his own life if she ever leaves.
More adventurous Romeos may actually make small cuts—across the street, not down the highway. It should not be enough to do any permanent damage, merely enough to draw her concern.
Another romantic idea is to write poetry. Every woman loves a poem written directly for her, so get those creative muscles flexing! The “roses are red…” pattern, however, is a pitfall that should be avoided. There are only so many things that rhyme with “blue,” and none of them are good. “Accrue?” “Peekaboo?” Amateur.
Instead, start an original poem. It’s harder not to work off of a prompt, but the effort will be evident in the end product. Here’s a sample to get you started: “I take a knife, in tears I drown/while you’re with him across the town/blood and steel begin to mingle/I’ll take my life ‘cause you’re not single.”
I can’t think of any woman who wouldn’t fall head over heels for these tactics. Consider this a cheat sheet to romantic success. With this article, you can be sure you’ll be a cut above.
I’m talking to you, ladies. You’re spending the day with your one true love. It’s a shame that your one true love didn’t get you flowers for Valentine’s Day. But you didn’t really want flowers.
It’s fine. No, really, don’t worry about it. You’ll just borrow some flowers from your friend Jill. She got so many flowers from her boyfriend that she doesn’t know where to put them all.
But flowers aside, you’ll have your date a little later. Show your significant other how much you care by talking at-length about how wonderful Jill’s day must be going. She’s really, really lucky to be dating that guy. Did you know he’s a doctor? He spent four years treating sick children in third-world countries. He always gives Jill something unique and exotic for special occasions. But the $10 box of chocolates your boyfriend got you were nice, too.
I mean you don’t even like Valentine’s Day all that much. It’s obviously too much work for your own boyfriend to put some actual thought into it. He got you a box of chocolates, and he’s taking you to a movie.
It sure would be nice if you had some good chocolate. Hallmark has some truly wonderful boxes of chocolate from Spain. Apparently your boyfriend hasn’t been to Hallmark lately. Instead, he got your chocolates from Walmart. Just think of all the 12-year-old girls who got that same box of chocolates. Maybe you could talk with one of them and see if she had a better Valentine’s Day than you.
He wants to know what movie you’d like to see. You don’t care. He can decide. “True Grit?” Fine. Whatever. You don’t care. Really, you don’t. Be sure to emphasize how much you don’t care. It’s important that he knows you can’t possibly be heartbroken if you aren’t emotionally invested in Valentine’s Day.
I can’t think of a single day out of the year when I feel more aggressive than on Valentine’s Day. By early afternoon, my veins are running with pure chocolate, and I’ve seen more squealing, giggling and snuggling than any one person should ever have to witness. I’m not a fuzzy, Lifetime channel kind of person, and I’d like to see some more creative and straightforward approaches to this holiday. I’m not saying I hate it – it really has great potential.
One romantic idea is kidnapping. Being blindfolded and carted off to an unknown location is an exciting thought, and if it were me, I wouldn’t even call the police if the kidnapper was attractive and under 35.
Once the ice is broken with something creative and exciting like that, there are several other fun activities to be explored. During the day, there’s always burger bowling – throwing cheap cheeseburgers and fast food at pedestrians from a moon roof. The points are the cost of the food item and are awarded upon contact.
Paintball is also an extremely erotic activity. Something about hiding and chasing someone with a gun is just pretty damn attractive. After taking out some aggression on innocent couples strolling around the area, dinner is next on the agenda.
I’m not a big fan of expensive, cliche restaurants, so my kidnappers are saved from $50 plates of mediocre spaghetti. I’d be perfectly happy with a plate of Indian food in the hotel room we’re hiding out in, with candles and a Mel Brooks movie in the background.
As far as gifts go, I do not want jewelry because unless it’s handcuffs, I will probably hate it. I’m very picky with my wardrobe. Handmade cards are fantastic – think “500 Days of Summer.” The more bizarre, the better. And gifts that don’t expire, like flowers and food, are the best. Obscure movies and photo albums full of pictures of random, hideous things are ideal. Anything disturbing and unusual will be accepted.
Hot tubs are one overdone idea I can buy into. After a full day like the one described, it’s best to wrap it all up in a big, boiling tub and toast a box of wine to yet another glorious holiday.
Nothing says love like unrelenting pursuit.
I’ve never had a bad Valentine’s Day. Probably because I’ve never had a steady girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
That’s why I believe that the ideal V-J Day – or, Valentines for Josh Day – involves the vigorous search for the potential love of my life. Every year, I scroll through females’ phone numbers acquired over the last 364 days. I ensure that my “candidate” is my friend on Facebook, and over a scone and latte, I scroll through every single picture of the “prospects” in question. No breakfast in bed from a girlfriend on my Valentine’s Day morning; I’m on a quest.
After I’ve made my “selection,” I begin the process of initiating contact. Later that evening, I use illegal global-positioning software to triangulate the position of my “ideal choice,” utilizing her cell phone and some easily obtained personal information. You should never wait for her to come to you.
After I’ve found my “mark” in a bar, bowling alley, crab shack, ski lodge or VFW, I wait cunningly in a corner. I’ve started wearing large hats to hide my face, because the new Kansas smoking laws have made it difficult to keep my physical form hidden in an odorous haze.
Observing my “target” from afar, I begin texting. I start with an “I see you, [name]” to get the sparks flying. If she doesn’t answer in 14 seconds, I text, for example, “Turn 40 degrees to your right, [name].” I become increasingly relentless, making it obvious early that I will not back down. If I have no response in five seconds, I follow with, “Why won’t you look at me, [name]?”
When, inevitably, the texting doesn’t work, I approach my “victim” armed with a low-grade tranquilizer used primarily for subduing wolverines – oh, I seem to have reached my word limit. I suppose you can fill in the blanks from there.